I got my very first driver’s license around two years ago. I drive all the time now. It’s weird because being a non-driver was a core part of my adult identity. It hardly seems like a big deal now but I never thought I’d surmount the mental blocks that kept me from behind the wheel.

Even now, when driving I’m occasionally overwhelmed with a sense of surreal disbelief. Is this me? Driving? Seriously? Holy crap! How did I get away with this?

Every time I reach a destination by car it’s like living a little miracle. Or pulling off the perfect crime.

To celebrate two years of legal driving, here’s a random sampling of my inner monologue when I’m driving about in my tiny turquoise Honda Fit.

1. That speech Christopher Walken delivers in Annie Hall is so true. With just a subtle flick of the wrist I too could drive into oncoming traffic.

2. Hey buddy, I’ve only been driving for two years. What’s your excuse?!!

3. Commuting to work makes me feel a profound kinship with Fred Flintstone.

4. Oh boy I’m exhausted! I think I’ll take a little nappypoo on the drive home.

5. For 48 years I was a pedestrian, a cyclist, and a taker of mass transit. I left a teeny tiny carbon footprint. So I earned the right to drive everywhere. I’d drive from the couch to the bathroom if I could.

6. It’s so liberating to sing in my car at the top of my lungs with nobody to judge me except me, the harshest self-critic of all. Hey, I wonder if anybody else is listening to Queen. Oh my God I can’t believe I still listen to Queen. How embarrassing.

7. Ha! Look at that schmuck peddling to work on his broken down bicycle! Hey, that used to be me. SUCKER!

8. Hey jackass! Pick a lane! Any lane!

9. I feel guilty and ashamed when I turn from NPR to the classic rock station but nobody will ever know.

10. Hey asshole! Use your directional!